Self Diagnosis, Winter Blues

I am generally okay with dealing with the cold weather, early darkness and out right boredom of sometimes feeling trapped inside. I must admit, this is not so easy anymore. As I was sitting on the sofa the other night I kept thinking to myself, why is it that I have been much more grumpy lately? I quickly came to realize it had more to do with the weather then anything.

Jack was born in May, perfect weather... warm, sunny and not yet humid. It was simple enough to pop Jack in the carrier, into the stroller and take a walk around the block, ah, fresh air! I enjoyed taking him out everywhere; lunch, shopping, to the park, where ever (in the picture, we were picking raspberries and blackberries). The funny thing is that now that he is more active, I feel less ambitious to do anything. I would love to take him for a walk or go to a park and put him on a swing, I would love to go to the outlets (even if just to browse around). Instead, I spend most days inside, just me and Jack. Conversation with a 9 month old isn't easy and there is no one else around to talk to, except for the occasional phone call from Steve.

First off, I don't so much enjoy bundling myself up and freezing my behind off in the cold, I feel like a stuffed turkey with all the layers of clothing, and feeling like you can't move properly (like the little kid from a Christmas Story, just waddling down the street). Now to have to bundle myself up and Jack with layers of clothes, jackets, hats plus all the diapers, bottles and such.... ugh its a lot of work. And for what? I'm going to take him out just to walk around in the cold.... so once in a while we run to the store or to lunch but thats about it. Its not like I have a money tree with endless supplies so that I can shop all day everyday, so even just walking around gets boring. So like many of you, I'm sure, I cannot wait for warmer weather. I feel trapped, alone and bored most days. There is only so much I can do in the house.... I want fresh air! I want to see other adults, even if its only that, seeing.

I love playing with my little guy, he can make me laugh and smile no matter how much of a grumpy mood I am in. I don't know, does it sound horrible what I am saying? I am lucky that I get to be home to raise our son but it's not easy being by yourself all day. Maybe it would be a little different if Jack was a little older and we could do little projects together but there's only so many hand and foot prints we can do. Steve complains about work (hell, who doesn't) but at least its a change of scenery and adult conversation is there. When he gets home, he's exhausted and wants to veg, I just want to talk or do something, I want to feel as though I've accomplished something. Its tough, where he wants a break from talking or doing, I am looking for the opposite since I spend most days just hanging out home. I realized it even more on the weekends, when we do go out and do things... and yes that includes a sunday afternoon of lunch, lowes and target... its something. I feel like I am a different person, not just a mom but a wife and woman too.

So, I am finding some joy in seeing the snow slowly melt away and seeing the spots of grass popping through. I take it as a sign that I only have to hold on a little longer and then Jack and I will be free! We can try out the bike my parents bought us for christmas; go to the park to swing, look at birds, feel the grass between the toes; no jackets! I can't wait to feel the warmth of the sun on my body and breathing in the crisp spring air. I will keep dreaming of those spring days and keep the countdown going.