Self Diagnosis, Winter Blues

I am generally okay with dealing with the cold weather, early darkness and out right boredom of sometimes feeling trapped inside. I must admit, this is not so easy anymore. As I was sitting on the sofa the other night I kept thinking to myself, why is it that I have been much more grumpy lately? I quickly came to realize it had more to do with the weather then anything.

Jack was born in May, perfect weather... warm, sunny and not yet humid. It was simple enough to pop Jack in the carrier, into the stroller and take a walk around the block, ah, fresh air! I enjoyed taking him out everywhere; lunch, shopping, to the park, where ever (in the picture, we were picking raspberries and blackberries). The funny thing is that now that he is more active, I feel less ambitious to do anything. I would love to take him for a walk or go to a park and put him on a swing, I would love to go to the outlets (even if just to browse around). Instead, I spend most days inside, just me and Jack. Conversation with a 9 month old isn't easy and there is no one else around to talk to, except for the occasional phone call from Steve.

First off, I don't so much enjoy bundling myself up and freezing my behind off in the cold, I feel like a stuffed turkey with all the layers of clothing, and feeling like you can't move properly (like the little kid from a Christmas Story, just waddling down the street). Now to have to bundle myself up and Jack with layers of clothes, jackets, hats plus all the diapers, bottles and such.... ugh its a lot of work. And for what? I'm going to take him out just to walk around in the cold.... so once in a while we run to the store or to lunch but thats about it. Its not like I have a money tree with endless supplies so that I can shop all day everyday, so even just walking around gets boring. So like many of you, I'm sure, I cannot wait for warmer weather. I feel trapped, alone and bored most days. There is only so much I can do in the house.... I want fresh air! I want to see other adults, even if its only that, seeing.

I love playing with my little guy, he can make me laugh and smile no matter how much of a grumpy mood I am in. I don't know, does it sound horrible what I am saying? I am lucky that I get to be home to raise our son but it's not easy being by yourself all day. Maybe it would be a little different if Jack was a little older and we could do little projects together but there's only so many hand and foot prints we can do. Steve complains about work (hell, who doesn't) but at least its a change of scenery and adult conversation is there. When he gets home, he's exhausted and wants to veg, I just want to talk or do something, I want to feel as though I've accomplished something. Its tough, where he wants a break from talking or doing, I am looking for the opposite since I spend most days just hanging out home. I realized it even more on the weekends, when we do go out and do things... and yes that includes a sunday afternoon of lunch, lowes and target... its something. I feel like I am a different person, not just a mom but a wife and woman too.

So, I am finding some joy in seeing the snow slowly melt away and seeing the spots of grass popping through. I take it as a sign that I only have to hold on a little longer and then Jack and I will be free! We can try out the bike my parents bought us for christmas; go to the park to swing, look at birds, feel the grass between the toes; no jackets! I can't wait to feel the warmth of the sun on my body and breathing in the crisp spring air. I will keep dreaming of those spring days and keep the countdown going.

Really? Nine months already?!?!

It really doesn't feel like that long ago that Jack decided that May 12th 2009 would be his birthday. Now here we are 9 months (and one week) later and so much has changed. He has gone from a helpless little peanut that could only see black and white, woke up every two hours during the night to feed and had that deafening newborn cry to this adorable boy with the most beautiful face and amazing personality. He knows what he wants and lets you know it! He says "kitty!" When we hold him, he holds on right back. He gives big mouth open, slobbery wet kisses if you give him your cheek. He is so sweet and a joy!

Jack had his nine month well visit yesterday. We got a great big thumbs up from the doctor. We basically have free range as far as trying most foods, slowly of course to be sure there are no allergies. Jack has hit 20 lbs 2.5 ounces and is now 28 inches tall! He'll be catching up to his mommy way to quickly (though not really a huge feat considering how short I am). He is in the 50% for both of the measurements. Yup, he has been in the 75% for his weight in the past but as the doctor explained this is completely normal and pretty much expected at this stage. Think about, he has gone from just rolling over and rocking in place to crawling, and cruising all day long in a mere few months! A huge step in development. The doctor compared it to a person who hasn't run a day in their lives all of a sudden deciding to run 5 miles a day! I have no worries about Jacks growth... he is clearly a healthy and happy baby, you can tell just by looking at him.  So Steve and I left the doctor feeling good, especially since there were no vaccines this visit which meant no crying.

WARNING: I AM GOING INTO YET ANOTHER RANT ABOUT HIS DAILY DIET...
You would think this is all wonderful news and the family would be satisfied with this good doctors report. Nope! Of course not... but I almost feel like I should have expected that. It is "expected" that Jack be at the tip top of the weight scale and that he should be eating full blown spaghetti and meatball meals already. It was not acceptable that his weight gain has slowed slightly. Its so frustrating.... here I am feeling very good about the decisions my husband and I have been making for OUR son and here comes the family with all their negative judgement.

I made the best decision for him when he was born, to breast feed, even though this is certainly not the simple option. When it came time for starting solids we waited until 6 months because breast fed babies get all the nutrition they need from the milk and he showed no signs of being not satisfied with just the milk. When it came time to choosing a cereal to start, we choose organic. When it came time to start fruits and vegetables, we decided I would make all of it, and do as much of it organic as possible, pending finding the organic produce. From the 6 month mark I have added something new nearly every week or every other week.  He has had a great variety of fruits, vegetables, and most recently the addition of yogurt, whole peas, diced carrot and chicken, I even tried pastina last night with his dinner.  His snacks at this point consist of organic puffs, organic yogurt melts and organic biter cookies.

People don't seem to understand that I am the one that is with him all day, I know what he eats comfortably and what he has trouble with. I am in no way okay with people that would just love to stuff his face until he ready to burst.... I am not for force feeding. He tells me with queues when he has had enough and I stop even if he didn't finish every last drop of food. It takes him time to get used to new foods and new textures. I allow him time to get used to it and even enjoy it before starting something different. I don't quite see the rush. The last batch of foods I made him (in the freezer) is starting to run low on certain things.... when I get working on his next batch there will be the addition of new food and new textures.

Steve and I are very happy with Jacks development... in growth, motor skills, everything. We are proud of the things that we have decided to do for our son. He is a happy baby and we are happy parents. I don't take it to much to heart what everyone else says and I have no intentions of changing my ways but I can't deny that it bugs me. Isn't the family supposed to be the ones that support and encourage you, not the ones to pass judgement on EVERY decision you  make? *SIGH* another day, another bit of drama.

A Mommy and Daddy Date Night

Its so easy to get caught up in everything baby when the bundle of joy arrives. You sometimes forget to put the effort into the relationship that has gotten you to this point to begin with it. The fact is that the kids won't be around forever and they will have moved onto living their own lives, in the end it goes back to just the two of us. Of course Jack is only 9 months old so we have quite awhile before he is out of the house.

For us, it is incredibly important to make sure that Jack has a home where he feels safe, happy and loved always. We make an effort to not have yelling in the house, though sometimes it slips out in the heat of the moment. We want to make sure that Jack knows that his parents are in love, we want to be sure that we are good models of kindness and love, to show him how a healthy relationship should work so that he is a little gentleman when the time comes for him to find love.

With all that said, we can't forget about each other. Our first time out without Jack, was about a week after he was born, we went to see Angels and Demons. We have made it a point to not let having a little one change our lives so that it no longer resembles what we did pre-baby. I was one of the crazies that brought my 2 week old baby out to lunch and to the store. I needed to get some fresh air and he loved being outside! We still take him everywhere, we haven't stopped doing the things we love just because its not as easy (diaper bags, bottles, snacks, toys, coats, hats, car seats...). We still go to dinner, to the park, shopping... but there are times we need just husband and wife time.

We've gotten out plenty sans Jack (the grandparents love it!). This weekend was one of those times... we celebrated Valentines on Saturday since we would need a sitter and everyone else had plans for the actual day. We went to one of our favorites, Sirenas in Long Branch, for a late lunch. I can't even explain the deliciousness of the meal, and boy did we eat! We started with hazelnut and herb dusted portobello mushrooms topped with a tri color salad and a cognac vinaigrette as well as splitting a bowl of their amazingly wonderful bolognese! For an entree Steve had filet mignon with olive oil mashed potatoes and swiss chard with a delish mushroom sauce. Me, I had veal saltimbocca... yum! Of course, a bottle of wine was enjoyed as well.  And yes, even after polishing all of that off , there was still room for dessert! Pistachio gelato for Steve and an apple phyllo tart for me. The meal was incredible and so was the company :-) Its a really nice thing to enjoy a meal once in awhile without worrying about feeding another mouth besides your own (and no I'm really not good at using my left hand), to not have to bend over every few minutes to pick a toy up off the floor or to make sure Jack isn't trying to bite the table. No worries about Jack wanted to not be stuck in a chair which leads to screaming because he can't just be put down to crawl around. This is of course not to say that we didn't have conversation about our little guy... surviving the first nine months, planning his first birthday party and just how darn cute he is!

After filling our bellies big time, we headed to the movies to see Valentines Day... fitting for the day! It was sweet, light hearted and nothing complicated. There was an engagement than a breakoff of the engagement, love, cheating, all that fun stuff.... the part that got me is when Julia Roberts (plays a solider on her way home just for one day) arrives home for a great love, her son... could not help but get all teared up. Can't imagine what the men and women away from their families go through on a daily basis.

All in all a really nice time out just being husband and wife. Of course though, once the movie was over I was ready to pick up Jack and give him a big kiss. The times out just me and Steve are needed, it helps is unwind and reconnect on that in love level instead of mommy daddy duties. We need it because like I said, in the end its the two of that will be there to grow old together, to spend everyday with... to be with my best friend.

Too many opinions!

First off I must say that our family has been a huge help in every way and we are very much thankful for all that they do for us. With that said, sometimes the "suggestions" are just too much! Obviously everyone means well and only wants the best for Steve, Jack and myself but I think that all moms need to do what works for them and not necessarily what was done 20, 30, 40, 50 years ago.

We have been questioned on just about everything. First was the sleeping on the back of belly question. Yes, 20 years ago it was recommended that babies sleep on their bellies so that they wouldn't choke if they spit up. Now is it recommended that they sleep on their backs so they don't suffocate. The comment that we constantly got, "well you survived didn't you". Yes we survived but why would we chose to ignore the fact that since the switch in thought, that the number of newborn deaths due to SIDS has decreased. I'm wasn't going to take my chances, even though Jack hated sleeping on his back. It was a struggle every night. We'd get him to fall asleep and than laid him in his bassinet on his back. The problem came in when he woke for the first feeding of the night. Very rarely could we get him back in the bassinet. It was nearly immediate, we laid him down and jumped as those startled. Just about every single night for the first three months, Jack slept on my chest. It was worked for us, he fell right to sleep and that meant we got to sleep. Sure it would have been easier to stick him on his belly in the bassinet but it gave me piece of mind knowing he was safe and sound asleep in my arms. As soon as he started his 4th month we made the big move, the big boy crib and sleeping on the belly! It was pretty hysterical, the first night after Steve and I got into bed sans Jack in the room, we both looked at each other and exclaimed how strange it was to not have him sleeping next to us. So of course for the first 4 nights I chose to sleep on this floor just to be sure he would be okay. I knew that he had great neck strength and had no problem moving his head side to side (tested all this during nap times) but I needed to make sure. My wonderful husband joined me on the floor most of those nights to keep me company. It was amazing, he slept so much better!

We were constantly questioned as to why we wouldn't start him on solids until 6 months. Ugh! Yes I understand that they used to put cereal in the bottle at 3 weeks old... no more! First off, I was breast feeding and that provided him with the best nutrition and plenty of fat to keep him satisfied. There was no need to start solids. He rarely fussed after a bottle and if he did, an extra ounce was good enough.  Studies have shown that starting too early makes it more likely that the child will develop allergies,

babies intestinal systems are still developing making it difficult to process solids, could lead to obesity in the future and constipation . I had to laugh when we had gone for a check up and the doctor questioned if we were being pressured to put cereal in his milk... exactly! Just a little fact...  “In 2002 the World Health Organization backed research that found that breastfeeding provided all the nutrition a baby needs during the first 6 months of life and that giving baby other foods during this time would dilute the nutritional value of the milk and might even be harmful to the baby’s health.”  Needless to say, we waited until the 6 month mark. Even then, as we started solids, it still didn't seem to satisfy everyone else. According to the family, we weren't giving him enough at a time or moving to slow in trying different foods. I swear if it were up to them Jack would have had his first meatball at 3 months old. I think its important to state that Jack has been in the top 75% for his weight since his one month check up. I don't think he was ever starving as my grandmother and godmother would tell me. Now Jack is 9 months old (as of tomorrow) and still we are constantly questioned as to what he should be eating. We chose to ignore everyone and keep doing what we're doing. Up until last week jack got almost solely breast milk (just started formula) and the food that I made him. He eats a pretty good variety, I think.... peas, green beans, sweet potato, cauliflower, apricot, blueberries, pears, carrots, butternut squash, zucchini. We have gotten started on learning to chew with yogurt melts and puffs and we will slowly continue to introduce new things. Never did understand the big rush with the meatballs, well except that we are Italians. 


So obviously the food thing bugs me most... I consider the fact that I breast fed for 9 months and that I make all of his solids (organic when available) to be pretty damn good! I see no harm in taking it slow. I plan on keeping the fresh home made food a consistent thing even as he gets older. Jack will try everything and hopefully develop a palette for good food. I think we can all agree that we only want the best for our children and we do the bet we can to make sure they are always happy, healthy and safe. 


So after complaining about all the "suggestive" opinions we've gotten I find my mind going into another direction so now I will go off on a tangent and I am going to give my opinion on a few topics... So its still food related... It is a scary thing to hear about all the childhood obesity statistics. According to the CDC, 16% of children ages 6-19 years old are overweight or obese. Then there are all the diseases that are associated with being obese... heart disease and diabetes just to name a couple. I can't help but blame the parents and our society. It seems that in every corner there is either a McDonalds, Taco Bell, Burger King or other fast food chain. Terrible choices they give, a heart attack on a plate! Sadly, some parents choose this as their best option because it is fast and requires no thought. I'm sure I will piss someone off with these opinions of mine but they are my thoughts. I wish more people would take the time to prepare a healthy meal so that as the child grows older they are accustomed to good nutritious food and not greasy fast food. I'm not at all saying that a once in a while stop to get french fries makes a bad parent, just think it is the norm for too many people. The same goes for tv watching... rather than taking the time to do an art project or dance around the house, it is easier to turn the tv on and let the child to get into a trance. Trust me, I am not getting all high and mighty, I am not perfect and I have no doubt that I will secumb to sticking a movie on to get a break from the craziness or stop at a fast food place because the day was just too crazy to get dinner on the table at a reasonable hour. I'd simply like to think that I am aware of the temptations and I will do my best to avoid them and make good choices for my myself, my husband and especially for our son. 


This is the beauty of a blog... I get to vent and if you don't agree with me thats okay, you can choose to not read it... too bad there is no mute button on life, could come in handy at times... haha :-)

Losing Sight

Unfortunately it is so easy to lose sight of what is truly important in life. I think that having a baby changes your whole perspective on life, the things and people that matter most to you, quickly become evident. I know with great certainty that the most important thing in my life is to be sure that I have a happy and healthy life with my husband and son.

Sometimes the daily routine of life gets exhausting, difficult to really just sit back and enjoy the simple things in life. Some days are stressful and all you can see is the tired screaming baby, the pile of dishes and bottles in the sink, the enormous pile of clothes in the laundry room, the fact that you haven't showered in a few days. Its so easy to forget that right in front of you is your little miracle that relies on you for everything. Mommy and Daddy have those magical powers to make to boo boo feel better or get them to laugh hysterically instead of cry when they feel sad.

We can get so caught up in the rush of the day, moving from one task to the next, and forget to just take the time to play, to be silly and laugh. I read an article the other day about the children in Haiti. The article spoke about the destruction and struggles of families and than the tough part, a woman spoke about trying to decide which child to give up for adoption so that they could have a better chance of survival. How sad and unimaginable to be in such a difficult and dire situation that a mother would even have to think that thought, to give away a child. I completely understand wanting what is best for your baby, wanting them to be happy, healthy and safe but there is no possible way I could ever understand what those women are going through. They are truly scared for there families well being and desperate to do what is necessary for survival.

My husband and I are so fortunate that we don't have to worry where the next meal is coming from, how we will get medicine to treat an ailment, where we will sleep at night... and yet we sit here and complain. Its so hard to look at life through others eyes. We have not experienced tragedy the way they have, we have our health, we are safe and happy. What makes is is so difficult to not let that pile of dishes or clothes get to us, to stress us out, to make us grumpy mommys and daddys. Its difficult to just be happy. Right, it sounds so simple and yet so many of us go through our days waiting for the day to end, for the next stage in life to come.

On a lighter note, Valentines Day is coming. A day that is played up to be one of love and romance. What about every other day of the year.... while yes I do enjoy a special day to celebrate the love in our lives, shouldn't each day be a celebration of life and love. If i've learned nothing else from traveling to Europe it is that they work to live not live to work. I want that in my life (yes I realize I don't have a job), to live life to the fullest, to enjoy the warmth of the sun, the taste of good food and delicious wine, to laugh with my son and husband, to enjoy the outdoors and embrace all the tasks of the day as simply a part of life and realize how fortunate we are to have what we have.

Time to Eat

For any moms that have breast fed or at least given it a whirl, you'll understand. For me, there was no question whether to breast feed. I knew it was the best thing for him even if it wasn't the simplest thing to do. I knew breast milk contained all the vitamins and nutrients he would need for the first 6 months. It has been shown to protect against gastrointestinal and respiratory problems and ear infections. It is natures immune boaster. Its been found that breast feeding (no solids) for the first six months makes the baby less likely to develop food or respiratory allergies, possibly protecting against these well into adolescence. Studies have shown that there is a link between breast fed babies and higher IQs, protection against obesity later in life, childhood leukemia and type 1 diabetes.  The list continues.... may lower the babys risks of SIDS, and there are even benefits for mom.... lose your baby weight, lower stress levels and may even reduce the risks of certain cancers. I am not preaching that this is the only option, it is certainly a personal choice but for me, it was a simple decision. 

If its the most natural thing, why does it not come so naturally? I remember breaking down in the hospital at some bizarre hour of the night. The nurse had brought Jack in for feeding and I had no luck. Yes, I had tried earlier in the day and after numerous attempts actually got him to latch on. This time, ugh! He was screaming and I could not for the life of me figure out how to get him latch on (its much easier when you have a lactation nurse helping). I got all emotional because I could not figure it out and he was screaming because he just wanted to eat. I called the nurse back in and after she attempted to help with no success, I gave in and decided to give him formula. At that point, him eating was much more important and I'd try again. My first night in the hospital We asked that Jack be kept in the nursery just so I could catch up on some rest since my water broke at 3 am that morning and I had not taken a nap at all. I guess he got used to the quick return of the bottle.

The next day I decided to keep trying but to also try pumping to get the production of milk moving along. I totally don't get it, if it takes a few days for your milk to come in, how do you keep a baby satisfied? From that point on with several failed attempts and minimal successful feedings I decided that I would solely pump and bottle feed him with the breast milk. I didn't care either way as long as he was getting the milk, I was happy. At first he was taking more formula than breast milk just because my supply had not yet reached a level to sustain his demand. Whatever I could get, he got. Over time it switched and he nearly solely got breast milk. 

Pumping worked out great for me! A strange thing at first, being hooked up to a machine like a cow at the dairy farm being tugged at. It was comical and embarrassing at first, than it just became routine. Pumping allowed me to feed Jack easily where ever, whenever. I did not have to excuse myself at a restaurant or scurry to find a restroom at a store. I always had a supply of milk in the freezer and just a few minutes in a glass of hot water, voila warm milk. He got formula when I was not able to warm the milk. I didn't have to be the only one to feed Jack, my husband could help... which was much appreciated in the middle of the night, we could take turns! For some people breast feeding is a big part of bonding but I don't feel like I missed out on any bonding, I always gazed in awe at him while feeding. 

So for nearly nine months, I scheduled my days around pumping between 4 and 5 times a day. Today was the first day I did not. Today, the dairy farm is officially closed for business, that is until the next baby comes along. I have such mixed feelings. I am loving that I feel free! I am not spending my day worrying about making sure I drank enough water, didn't eat anything that would give the baby gas or how I would fit all the pumping in. I can go out for a whole day without that backpack and a cooler! I can enjoy a glass of wine, or two. As joyful as it was to pack up the pump, I can't help but feel a bit guilty too. I know that everything I've read says that the first six months are the most important, and I did that but still part of me wonders if I should have just sucked it up and finished off his first year, when at that point he could start drinking cows milk. I know that just because I'm making the switch to strictly formula doesn't mean that he hasn't already gotten amazing benefits from my milk or that he is going to get sick. Its just that I know that my milk is the best thing. I do know that nine months is great, its just emotionally a tough thing to just stop after routinely doing it for so long. Another stage, another step in this journey of motherhood... he is now  big boy, sitting in a high chair, holding his own bottle, eating solid foods (yes, of course I cook all his food too) and learning to chew. He is perfect in every way possible!